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What are the 10 habits that can destroy your relationship?
哪10个习惯会破坏你们的关系?
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Cyndi Perlman Fink
Only ten? After forty-eight years of marriage, it’s not the big things, it’s the little things that make me think we won’t make it to forty-nine.
Opening cabinet doors and not closing them.
Taking something out and not putting it back.
Leaving the toilet seat up.
Messy drawers.
I don’t have ten things because:
He walks the dog in the rain.
He puts a bandaid on my cut, with Neosporin, and then he kisses it to make it well.
He always takes out the garbage.
只有十个？结婚四十八年了，让我觉得我们撑不到四十九年的不是大事，而是小事。
打开柜门后不关闭柜门。
把东西拿出来后不放回去。
把马桶座垫留在上面。
抽屉凌乱。
我说不出10个习惯，因为：
他在雨中遛狗。
他用Neosporin在我的伤口上贴了一条创可贴，然后吻了一下，使伤口愈合。
他总是倒垃圾。
He loves me when I’m at my worst.
He always has my back.
He cares about my health and well being.
He loves me when I’m at my best.
He still makes me laugh.
He’s willing to watch silly TV with me in bed.
He vacuums before friends come over to visit.
I’ll close the cabinet doors.
I’ll put things away.
I’ll put down the toilet seat, although it’s not pleasant on a cold night.
I’ll refold all of his t-shirts.
I will love him forever and a day.
‘Next month will be forty-nine years.
当我最糟糕的时候，他爱我。
他总是支持我。
他关心我的健康和幸福。
当我处于最佳状态时，他爱我。
他仍然让我笑。
他愿意和我一起在床上看无聊的电视。
朋友们来拜访之前，他先用吸尘器吸尘。
我会关上柜门。
我会把东西收起来。
我会放下马桶座—虽然在寒冷的夜晚不舒服。
我会把他所有的t恤都叠起来。
我会永远爱他。
下个月是结婚四十九年了。
Raul Ballesteros
I’ve been in an extraordinary relationship for over three years.
Here are a 8 habits that can sabotage your entire relationship:
1)Needing To Be Right
The “need” to be right in an argument is an illusion that comes from our ego. The ego strives to be right because all it cares about is itself.
But, needing to be right can become toxic for the both people especially when both people “need” to be right. It’s about returning back to peace.
I’ve learned that it’s never about who’s right or wrong but rather the outcome we are trying to achieve within the argument. Focus on returning back to good terms.
If you really care about the other person then needing to be right shouldn’t really matter to you. What matters is “why” the other person is upset and addressing it.
So, start leaving your ego at the door when it comes to your relationships because women find that as a “turn off.” Let them be right and they’ll admit when you are.
三年多来，我谈了一段特别的恋爱。
以下8个习惯可能会破坏你的整个关系：
1） 需要正确
在争论中正确的“需要”是一种来自我们自我的幻觉。自我努力做到正确，因为它只关心自己。
但是，需要正确对两个人都是有害的，特别是当两个人都“需要”正确的时候。这是关于回归和平。
我明白了，这从来都不是谁对谁错的问题，而是我们在争论中试图达到的结果。专注于恢复良好的关系。
如果你真的在乎对方，那么你需要做正确的事对你来说并不重要。重要的是“为什么”对方不高兴，并解决这个问题。
所以，当涉及到你的关系好坏时，开始不要去考虑自我，因为女人觉得这是一种“拒绝”。让她们是对的，这样她们也会承认你是对的。
2)Being Jealous
I believe one of the biggest factors in failing relationships is jealousy. I used to be so jealous that it put my relationship in jeopardy. It’s poison disguised as love.
We may say to our partner “I’m jealous because I love you” but thats not true at all. We become jealous because we assume our partners will hurt us in some way.
The more jealous you become the more you’ll try to control your partner. You’ll feel offended when they wear something cute or if a guy messages them online.
One of the best books I’ve ever read on relationships was “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz because it taught me to have a loving relationship with myself.
It also taught me that jealousy is really a lack of self-love and our minds making ridiculous assumptions about how our partners will hurt us.
I recommend studying “how to overcome jealousy” online because there are many methods to beating it. Jealousy can be a “turn off” and end a relationship.
2） 嫉妒
我认为，人际关系失败的最大因素之一是嫉妒。我以前很嫉妒，这让我的关系岌岌可危。这是伪装成爱的毒药。
我们可能会对伴侣说“我嫉妒，因为我爱你”，但这根本不是真的。我们嫉妒是因为我们认为我们的伴侣会以某种方式伤害我们。
你越嫉妒，你就越想控制你的伴侣。当他们穿上可爱的衣服或者有人在网上给他们发信息时，你会觉得很生气。
我读过的关于恋爱关系的最好的书之一是堂·米格尔·路易兹（Don Miguel Ruiz）的《四个约定》，因为它教会了我如何与自己建立一种充满爱的关系。
它也教会了我，嫉妒其实是一种自爱的缺乏，我们的大脑会对我们的伴侣会如何伤害我们做出荒谬的假设。
我建议在网上研究“如何克服嫉妒”，因为有很多方法可以克服嫉妒。嫉妒是一种“拒绝”，可以结束一段关系。
3)Not Communicating Needs & Feelings
Communication is really the fabric that holds relationships together. Clear communication between both people is what allows relationships to thrive.
But, where communication matters the most is when your needs aren’t being met and when the other person hurts your feelings.
Never and I mean never assume that your partner knows what you need or how something they said or did made you feel. This requires you to check your ego.
We are human but not mind readers. As much as you want the other person to “just know” what you need or how they made you feel, that’s not how it works.
The best thing to do is communicate to your partner exactly how you feel and why you feel that way so that they can become “aware” of their behaviors.
If your partner genuinely cares about your needs and feelings then they will work on making that adjustment to improve the overall relationship.
3） 不沟通需求和感受
沟通实际上是维系关系的基础。两个人之间清晰的沟通是关系得以发展的关键。
但是，沟通最重要的是当你的需求没有得到满足的时候，当对方伤害了你的感情的时候。
永远不要，我的意思是永远不要假设你的伴侣知道你需要什么，或者不要假设他们说的话或做的事让你有什么感觉。这需要你检查你的自我。
我们是人，但不是懂读心术的人。尽管你想让对方“知道”你需要什么或让对方“知道”他们给你的感觉，但事情不是这样的。
最好的做法是与你的伴侣准确地交流你的感受以及准确地交流你为什么会这样，这样他们才能“意识到”自己的行为。
如果你的伴侣真的关心你的需求和感受，那么他们会努力做出调整，以改善整体关系。
4)Not Knowing Your Partners Love Language
A concept that really took our relationship to a whole new level was learning each others love language. Every person has a unique way that makes them feel loved.
I first heard about this concept in an interview with Jay Shetty and his wife. The idea is pretty simple…every person has their own love language.
The love languages are — words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, buying gifts and acts of service. We all crave one of these type of love languages.
I’d highly recommend buying the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It will allow you to understand your partner at a deeper level.
When I found out what my partners love language was I was actually surprised because I “assumed” it was something else. Read the book, it’s a game changer.
4） 不知道你伴侣的爱的语言
一个真正将我们的关系提升到一个全新水平的概念是学习彼此的爱的语言。每个人都有一种独特的方式，让他们感到被爱。
我第一次听到这个概念是在杰伊·谢蒂和他的妻子的采访中。道理很简单，每个人都有自己的爱的语言。
爱的语言是:肯定的话语、美好的时光、身体的接触、购买礼物和服务的行为。我们都渴望其中一种爱的语言。
我强烈推荐购买加里·查普曼的《五种爱的语言》一书。这将让你更深入地了解你的伴侣。
当我发现我的伴侣喜欢什么语言时，我真的很惊讶，因为我“假设”是另一回事。读这本书，它改变了游戏规则。
5)Being Distracted Instead of Present
In the age of technology, it’s easy to get on our phones whenever we want…even if that means when we are spending time with our partner. This is a BIG no no.
If you really want to end your relationship then get on your phone while you’re spending quality time with your partner. Women and men both find this to be a major “turn off.”
Let’s say your partner gets ready to go out to dinner with you. They put on make up, your favorite perfume and your favorite outfit all to impress you.
Then, you go to dinner and while you’re there instead of being present with your partner you get on your phone. You don’t even compliment their effort or look.
In your partners eyes, it will seem as if you don’t care about her and as if she doesn’t exist. This will translate into you not truly loving her or the relationship.
What my partner and I do when we go out on dates is put our phones away. We’ve both made the conscious decision to ‘be present’ while we are on dates.
This also means being present while you’re at home. If you two are watching a movie together, cuddle up with each other and cherish that moment…no phones.
5） 分心而不是专注
在科技时代，我们随时都可以拿起手机，纵容我们和伴侣在一起的时候也如此。这是特别不好的事情。
如果你真的想结束你们的关系，那就在你和伴侣共度美好时光的同时，打电话吧。女性和男性都认为这是一个主要的“拒绝”方式
假设你的伴侣准备和你一起出去吃饭。他们化好妆，喷上你最喜欢的香水，穿上你最喜欢的衣服，这只为给你留下深刻印象。
然后，你去吃晚餐，当你在那里的时候，你没有和你的伴侣在一起，而是在玩手机。你甚至不赞美他们的成果或外表。
在你的伴侣眼里，你似乎不在乎她，好像她不存在一样。这将转化为你没有真正爱她或不想要这段关系。
我和我的伴侣出去约会时所做的就是把手机收起来。我们都有意识地决定在约会时“进入状态”。
这也意味着你在家时要进入状态。如果你们两个在一起看电影，彼此拥抱，珍惜那一刻，就不要打电话。